My therapist says that instead of letting my depressive thoughts and anger build up and get the best of me then lashing out at people, that I should write; so here I am.
My day consisted of early morning cartoons with Ryder, catching up on laundry, sleeping and finding out that I have Pneumonia. Happy Saturday, right? Sigh. I have to be off of my mood stabilizer medications for the 5 days that I’m doing the Z-pac because there is such a high chance of an interaction, so that should be absolutely wonderful (note the sarcasm). I still have so much laundry left; I haven’t even began folding the 4 loads that I’ve already got done & strung out across the bed – I still have 1 in the washer, 1 in the dyer and 3 loads waiting. My neighbors have company, there is about 12 people in a 2 bedroom apartment and they’re being ridiculously loud, so I suppose I’ll be dealing with that since I don’t want to be overly rude just because I don’t feel good. Michael thinks I have the plague or something (and is avoiding me at all possible costs) he keeps telling me that if I would just “center my chi” I wouldn’t get sick as much because my mind convinces my body that I’m sick when I’m really not; I’m thinking I will sleep on the couch tonight. Lol. Wish me luck.
Today, I can’t deal with being a parent, I can’t deal with being a spouse… I just can’t.
I know that I should be doing things like cleaning or doing laundry since it’s the weekend and I could be getting alot done, but instead, I am curled up in the chair binging Criminal Minds. I just can’t bring myself to get up and do anything – it just seems way too overwhelming today.
I wake up everyday and I just wanna be happy, but my brain does not cooperate; it’s honestly tragic. Living with depression aint what most people think, I try so motherfuckin hard but I’m still on the brink. Things could seem perfect but in my head but nothings workin, I think that I need a surgeon to cut me open, observe it; please tell me what is wrong with me, cuz I don’t understand, used to hide these problems behind drugs though now I’m a different one; stopped drinkin and droppin, diagnosin my problems. Now, I know the issue but no idea how to stop em’, it’s the craziest thing cuz I can see it when it happens but I can’t stop these feelings from rushin in and then crashin, I can feel the collision all the way down in my stomach – like I got punched in the gut and there aint no runnin from it; I could be up at the summit, then one thing happens – I plummet. They tell me take my meds and calm down but I don’t like feelin nothin. Now let me tell ya’ll folks somethin, I’ve been like this my whole life; I’ve been tryin to hide it and fight it but that shit aint go right – my methods of copin was just drinkin and smoking, anything I could take, I’d pop it in and keep goin. But that was just me not knowin that I was makin it worse, if I had stayed on that path, I’d probably be in a hearse cuz I was feelin so cursed, nothin ever went my way and nothin but negative thoughts was present in my brain. Layin down at night but no sleep comin my way, my brain wont shut the fuck up – it’s been doin this all day. Do you know what it’s like to fight with yourself? Tryin to seem happy without likin yourself? It all could be over just by blastin yourself; but I aint the one to give up in this fight, I need help. See, with this problem at hand, it’s hard to talk to your friends cuz you don’t want someone to judge you and look at you different; so I meet paper with pen, open up in these notes – it’s really all I can do to get these words out my throat. I aint lookin for someone to feel sorry for me, nah; I’m just tryin to explain all this pain I got inside. When all you thought is you aint good enough when you was growin up, it makes it hard to see you good enough when you grown up. Fake it til you make it, that’s what everybody says to do – so if the shoe fits, I might as well wear it too. See, I’m the funny guy, makin jokes and deflectin attention cuz I don’t want anybody noticin that my soul is missin, and if you feelin that I’m distant then you probably right; people ask what’s wrong, I say “nothin, I’ll be alright.” and I continue to fight, it’s an everyday struggle – like I’m at war with myself when my emotions start to bubble.
I’ve been pretty useless around the house over the last month or so; actually, completely useless. I mainly just sleep, eat and hang out with Ryder. I had to drop this semester of classes due to being sick and never feeling good enough to get up and get it done, the house isn’t as clean as I used to keep it, the laundry doesn’t stay constantly done (neither do the dishes) – I really feel like I’m letting Michael down and failing as the woman who I’m supposed to be… ugh! The hole is so black right now.
Today has been bad. So bad. Sometimes I think that I can fight through the darkness – but today, I am convinced that I’ll never climb out of this. But you know what? Maybe I just don’t want to be back into the light, maybe I want to live like this, maybe I want to keep pushing people away and stay isolated; maybe it’s easier this way, maybe I don’t want to change everything that I’ve always known. I know that I have so much to live for and that I should just “get over this and enjoy life” but it just seems like this is an easier way to live – alone. I just feel so useless anyways, that I kinda just feel like I might aswell not even make an effort to change, because this is how it’s always been. I just feel so miserable and I feel like I drag everyone else down with me – which isn’t fair. I don’t think that people deserve to be consumed into my darkness, which is why I try to stay away. I don’t know. My mind is racing, I can’t stop the thoughts, I just want it to all calm down… I want to be at peace again. WHY? Why is this so hard? Why do I live this way?
I just want it to all be okay again..
My therapist has told me that I’m grieving. I’m grieving the loss of my old life, I’m grieving for the things that I can’t do anymore, I’m grieving for things that haven’t even happened yet. Sometimes, I go through so many different emotions in a day – I can’t keep everything straight and my mind gets all jumbled up, I sleep the days away or I get cranky and take out all of my fear on those closest to me; sometimes, it hits me way too hard. I need to learn how to cope, I have to learn how to deal – that’s just the way it has to be. I don’t know how long it’s going to take or how many times I will go through the grief cycle or learn coping skills before it all finally settles down and I can get back to a somewhat normal life, but it needs to happen soon, because I’m starting to lose everything that matters to me. I can’t fight this battle alone, so I need to learn how to not push everyone away; I need people in my corner.