My therapist says that instead of letting my depressive thoughts and anger build up and get the best of me then lashing out at people, that I should write; so here I am.
Today was one of the bad ones. I can’t even begin to describe the overwhelming sense of defeat that I felt as I crawled in to my bed at 6pm and cried for 3 hours.
Today started off great. I was in an amazing mood and had tons of energy when I woke up (early); I did the dishes, did some laundry then was able to take my time getting ready.
When I got to work: I danced as I opened the store, I had the music blaring and everything was good. I was great all day; until I wasn’t. Around 3 o’clock I was helping a customer.. talking about pricing and her options to lower her bill. I started a sentence, said a few words, opened my mouth to say something else – and nothing came out. No words. Only “uhh” and some tears. Shortly after that: my neck got stiff, I didn’t have any peripheral vision, my head started throbbing and I started seeing spots.
I was terrified. I still am.
I don’t want to lose my vision; I need to SEE my child grow up. I want to see the happiness in his face when he scores that goal or catches that ball, I want to see how perfect he looks when he heads out for his very first date, I want to actually watch him walk across the stage, I want to see him fall in love. I want to be able to look my grandchildren in the eyes as they take their first breath. I don’t want this damn disease to win! Just as importantly, I don’t want to lose my ability to speak and make sense. I want to be able to tell Ryder how proud I am of him for scoring that goal or catching that ball, I want to tell him how handsome he looks before he heads off on his first date, I want to be able to tell him how proud I am of the man he grows to be. I want to tell him how much he changed my life the day I found out that I was his momma. I want to always be able to remind him that he’s the sole reason I have the strength to get up and fight this fight.
I never want to lose the ability to tell my parents how much they mean to me or proud I am to have been raised by such amazing people. I want to be always be able to remind them that they did their very best. I want to always be able to have morning chats with my mom over coffee. I want to always be able to sit down and watch the Discovery or Science channel with him and discuss all the cool things we learn. As long as their alive – I don’t want to ever walk into a room and not be able to talk to them or to see their smiling faces.
I don’t ever want to stop telling MIchael how grateful I am that I have him by my side and how I thank the Heavens every single day for him messaging me on that August day. I want to always be able to tell him how handsome he looks when he first wakes up and has that sleepy smile on his face. I want to always be able to tell him that when he rolls over in the middle of the night and pulls me close to him, it’s the only time I feel like everything will be okay. I want to always be able to watch him with Ryder and the amazing bond that they have had from the very first day. I want to be able to look at him and see his sweet face when we are 80 and tell him I don’t know how I could face this life without him.
I want to always be able to express my love to those who mean the most to me.
I don’t want it to be like this. I won’t let this disease win. This is why I #FightForACure #IIH – I’m literally fighting fo rmy life.
I’m normally really good about not wallowing in the “why me?” but today; today, it’s hard.
Today, I can’t deal with being a parent, I can’t deal with being a spouse… I just can’t.
I know that I should be doing things like cleaning or doing laundry since it’s the weekend and I could be getting alot done, but instead, I am curled up in the chair binging Criminal Minds. I just can’t bring myself to get up and do anything – it just seems way too overwhelming today.
I wake up everyday and I just wanna be happy, but my brain does not cooperate; it’s honestly tragic. Living with depression aint what most people think, I try so motherfuckin hard but I’m still on the brink. Things could seem perfect but in my head but nothings workin, I think that I need a surgeon to cut me open, observe it; please tell me what is wrong with me, cuz I don’t understand, used to hide these problems behind drugs though now I’m a different one; stopped drinkin and droppin, diagnosin my problems. Now, I know the issue but no idea how to stop em’, it’s the craziest thing cuz I can see it when it happens but I can’t stop these feelings from rushin in and then crashin, I can feel the collision all the way down in my stomach – like I got punched in the gut and there aint no runnin from it; I could be up at the summit, then one thing happens – I plummet. They tell me take my meds and calm down but I don’t like feelin nothin. Now let me tell ya’ll folks somethin, I’ve been like this my whole life; I’ve been tryin to hide it and fight it but that shit aint go right – my methods of copin was just drinkin and smoking, anything I could take, I’d pop it in and keep goin. But that was just me not knowin that I was makin it worse, if I had stayed on that path, I’d probably be in a hearse cuz I was feelin so cursed, nothin ever went my way and nothin but negative thoughts was present in my brain. Layin down at night but no sleep comin my way, my brain wont shut the fuck up – it’s been doin this all day. Do you know what it’s like to fight with yourself? Tryin to seem happy without likin yourself? It all could be over just by blastin yourself; but I aint the one to give up in this fight, I need help. See, with this problem at hand, it’s hard to talk to your friends cuz you don’t want someone to judge you and look at you different; so I meet paper with pen, open up in these notes – it’s really all I can do to get these words out my throat. I aint lookin for someone to feel sorry for me, nah; I’m just tryin to explain all this pain I got inside. When all you thought is you aint good enough when you was growin up, it makes it hard to see you good enough when you grown up. Fake it til you make it, that’s what everybody says to do – so if the shoe fits, I might as well wear it too. See, I’m the funny guy, makin jokes and deflectin attention cuz I don’t want anybody noticin that my soul is missin, and if you feelin that I’m distant then you probably right; people ask what’s wrong, I say “nothin, I’ll be alright.” and I continue to fight, it’s an everyday struggle – like I’m at war with myself when my emotions start to bubble.
Today has been bad. So bad. Sometimes I think that I can fight through the darkness – but today, I am convinced that I’ll never climb out of this. But you know what? Maybe I just don’t want to be back into the light, maybe I want to live like this, maybe I want to keep pushing people away and stay isolated; maybe it’s easier this way, maybe I don’t want to change everything that I’ve always known. I know that I have so much to live for and that I should just “get over this and enjoy life” but it just seems like this is an easier way to live – alone. I just feel so useless anyways, that I kinda just feel like I might aswell not even make an effort to change, because this is how it’s always been. I just feel so miserable and I feel like I drag everyone else down with me – which isn’t fair. I don’t think that people deserve to be consumed into my darkness, which is why I try to stay away. I don’t know. My mind is racing, I can’t stop the thoughts, I just want it to all calm down… I want to be at peace again. WHY? Why is this so hard? Why do I live this way?
I just want it to all be okay again..
My therapist has told me that I’m grieving. I’m grieving the loss of my old life, I’m grieving for the things that I can’t do anymore, I’m grieving for things that haven’t even happened yet. Sometimes, I go through so many different emotions in a day – I can’t keep everything straight and my mind gets all jumbled up, I sleep the days away or I get cranky and take out all of my fear on those closest to me; sometimes, it hits me way too hard. I need to learn how to cope, I have to learn how to deal – that’s just the way it has to be. I don’t know how long it’s going to take or how many times I will go through the grief cycle or learn coping skills before it all finally settles down and I can get back to a somewhat normal life, but it needs to happen soon, because I’m starting to lose everything that matters to me. I can’t fight this battle alone, so I need to learn how to not push everyone away; I need people in my corner.
Tonight, when I was surrounded by family and friends – I realized that I’ve never felt so alone; & that, that is something that I have no words to describe.