& another day..

& another day..

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I didn’t sleep last night, I haven’t eaten this morning; I’m still in pajamas and I skipped school.

I keep hoping for a better day but they all end up like this. I want a normal life so badly that I’m terrified I’ll never have one. I quit taking my meds when I had my breakdown because I thought that if they were working then it wouldn’t have happened, I’ve since realized that me being off of them isn’t going to help me pull out of this hole I’m so deep into; I took my first dose in 3 weeks, this morning. I wonder how long it will take to get back in my system? I wonder if I’ll be able to force myself to do my schoolwork that’s due or drag myself out of the door to go to school on Monday?  I wonder if they wont even be strong enough to tackle this…?

I haven’t slept in bed with my boyfriend in 3 days, I haven’t even really spoken to him or touched him at all. I feel awful that it’s getting taken out on him and that he doesn’t know anything that he can do to help me (despite how hard he tries), I wish that I could be who he deserves and he didn’t have to deal with me; but I’m so thankful that he does.

My son is home sick from school today and I feel awful that I really don’t have the energy to do anything at all and that it’s going to be pizza rolls and Netflix for him all day. He’s an amazing kid with a wonderful loving soul and I am SO terrified that I’m going to raise him and then he will have to recover from his childhood. I have seen so many people who talk about how depressed their mom was and how they can remember fending for themselves or how she would stay in bed for days and nothing would make her get up… I don’t want him to be that way. I’m so scared.

I guess I’m just thinking too much today, but all I can think is “What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?”

 

-DangerouslyDisturbed

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