Tonight, when I was surrounded by family and friends – I realized that I’ve never felt so alone; & that, that is something that I have no words to describe.
I have been pushing it to the back of my mind, I’ve been trying to ignoring it in hopes that it will go away, I’ve been praying that this is all just a dream – but it’s finally hitting me that it’s all very real. I can’t change it, it won’t go away & it is something that is just my new life. Pseudotumor Cerebri is a very scary thing, but all I can do is power through it and not give up. I won’t let this beat me down, I won’t let it win.
On Wednesday, December 7th, I was diagnosed with Pseudotumor Cerebri (also known as Idiopathic Intracranial Pressure) which is caused by a build up of spinal fluid on the brain. It has been weighing heavy on my heart since I found out and I am absolutely terrified of what my future holds; multitude of doctors visits that will be 2+ hours away, who knows how many Lumbar Punctures to drain fluid, adjusting to all the meds that I will need to be on, all the lifestyle changes that are going to come with it because I need to start eating healthy and losing weight… I’m terrified that it’s going to affect me in my schooling, I’m scared that people are going to think I’m faking, I’m scared that I will be a burden to my family and friends when I have bad days, I’m terrified of becoming addicted to the pain meds, I’m just scared; and to be quite honest, scared doesn’t even begin to cover it. I know that it’s something I will have to learn to live with, but I just don’t think it has sunk in yet. I have been in the hospital for 7 days and 6 nights and to be totally real, I’m just numb..I don’t think it has REALLY hit me that this is something that is going to change my whole life, I don’t think it has hit me that I will have to deal with this until the day I die, I just don’t think I’ve hit that stage yet..
I had my 2nd Thanksgiving with my boyfriends family today and I felt so welcomed. I’ve always felt like they disapprove of me because of all my “shortcomings” or that they just dislike me period; but today, I felt like family. I felt the warmth and the love, I felt the caring and the memories, I felt like I belong with them forever.
After we left his family, we went to mine. Even though I see them every single day, walking into their house brings me this overwhelming sense of comfort and protection; I know that I’m okay there. My parents made and amazing meal and we had a small get together with just the 5 of us…it was all I could have asked for and then some.❤️
After we made both stops; my next destination was to shop. I went with his brother-in-law and 3 of his sisters while he stayed home with our mini. I got all the things that I went after, which everyone underestimated me being able to do… his brother-in-law made sure that I got the exact cowboy boots that I wanted for Christmas but he let me take them home early, one of his sisters bought us towels, his other sister got a few things for Ry for Christmas & the other sister stood with me then held up her post to get one of the things that I was there for then helped me fight the crowd while I rushed around like a crazy person.
I had an amazing day today, although I am worn out at the end of it; it’s definitely one that I will remember. -DangerouslyDisturbed
I just want someone to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know me, won’t judge me & who will not only listen, but will honestly care.
I just need a person. Just one.
What does it mean to be mentally ill? Well I, along with many other people in the world, deal with it every single day. Dragging yourself out of bed when you don’t want to move, fearing what will happen next, ruminating about so many things at once. This is what goes through my mind every […]