On Wednesday, December 7th, I was diagnosed with Pseudotumor Cerebri (also known as Idiopathic Intracranial Pressure) which is caused by a build up of spinal fluid on the brain. It has been weighing heavy on my heart since I found out and I am absolutely terrified of what my future holds; multitude of doctors visits that will be 2+ hours away, who knows how many Lumbar Punctures to drain fluid, adjusting to all the meds that I will need to be on, all the lifestyle changes that are going to come with it because I need to start eating healthy and losing weight… I’m terrified that it’s going to affect me in my schooling, I’m scared that people are going to think I’m faking, I’m scared that I will be a burden to my family and friends when I have bad days, I’m terrified of becoming addicted to the pain meds, I’m just scared; and to be quite honest, scared doesn’t even begin to cover it. I know that it’s something I will have to learn to live with, but I just don’t think it has sunk in yet. I have been in the hospital for 7 days and 6 nights and to be totally real, I’m just numb..I don’t think it has REALLY hit me that this is something that is going to change my whole life, I don’t think it has hit me that I will have to deal with this until the day I die, I just don’t think I’ve hit that stage yet..
I had my 2nd Thanksgiving with my boyfriends family today and I felt so welcomed. I’ve always felt like they disapprove of me because of all my “shortcomings” or that they just dislike me period; but today, I felt like family. I felt the warmth and the love, I felt the caring and the memories, I felt like I belong with them forever.
After we left his family, we went to mine. Even though I see them every single day, walking into their house brings me this overwhelming sense of comfort and protection; I know that I’m okay there. My parents made and amazing meal and we had a small get together with just the 5 of us…it was all I could have asked for and then some.❤️
After we made both stops; my next destination was to shop. I went with his brother-in-law and 3 of his sisters while he stayed home with our mini. I got all the things that I went after, which everyone underestimated me being able to do… his brother-in-law made sure that I got the exact cowboy boots that I wanted for Christmas but he let me take them home early, one of his sisters bought us towels, his other sister got a few things for Ry for Christmas & the other sister stood with me then held up her post to get one of the things that I was there for then helped me fight the crowd while I rushed around like a crazy person.
I had an amazing day today, although I am worn out at the end of it; it’s definitely one that I will remember. -DangerouslyDisturbed
I just want someone to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know me, won’t judge me & who will not only listen, but will honestly care.
I just need a person. Just one.
What does it mean to be mentally ill? Well I, along with many other people in the world, deal with it every single day. Dragging yourself out of bed when you don’t want to move, fearing what will happen next, ruminating about so many things at once. This is what goes through my mind every […]
via Struggles of a Bipolar Girl — Struggles of a Bipolar Girl
Today was better; not as good as I want to be but not as bad as I have been.
I got up and went to the Veterans Day parade that my son was in and watched him all dressed up as a firefighter to represent his future career choice and thanking the veterans for serving and giving him the opportunity to be whoever he wants to be. After that, we had a family lunch at Chili’s which was actually really fun because we don’t normally do sit down restaurants (we are just used to the convenience of drive thru) and the highlight of our lazy day was an hour long pillow fight / wrestling match; seeing my son smile and laugh as hard as he did made me really step back and count my blessings.
Like I said, I’m not where I want to be; but days like today give me hope that I’ll be able to jump off my roller coaster. -DangerouslyDisturbed
I didn’t sleep last night, I haven’t eaten this morning; I’m still in pajamas and I skipped school.
I keep hoping for a better day but they all end up like this. I want a normal life so badly that I’m terrified I’ll never have one. I quit taking my meds when I had my breakdown because I thought that if they were working then it wouldn’t have happened, I’ve since realized that me being off of them isn’t going to help me pull out of this hole I’m so deep into; I took my first dose in 3 weeks, this morning. I wonder how long it will take to get back in my system? I wonder if I’ll be able to force myself to do my schoolwork that’s due or drag myself out of the door to go to school on Monday? I wonder if they wont even be strong enough to tackle this…?
I haven’t slept in bed with my boyfriend in 3 days, I haven’t even really spoken to him or touched him at all. I feel awful that it’s getting taken out on him and that he doesn’t know anything that he can do to help me (despite how hard he tries), I wish that I could be who he deserves and he didn’t have to deal with me; but I’m so thankful that he does.
My son is home sick from school today and I feel awful that I really don’t have the energy to do anything at all and that it’s going to be pizza rolls and Netflix for him all day. He’s an amazing kid with a wonderful loving soul and I am SO terrified that I’m going to raise him and then he will have to recover from his childhood. I have seen so many people who talk about how depressed their mom was and how they can remember fending for themselves or how she would stay in bed for days and nothing would make her get up… I don’t want him to be that way. I’m so scared.
I guess I’m just thinking too much today, but all I can think is “What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?”
My therapist says that instead of letting my depressive thoughts and anger build up and get the best of me then lashing out at people, that I should write; so here I am.