Saturday.

Saturday.

 

My day consisted of early morning cartoons with Ryder, catching up on laundry, sleeping and finding out that I have Pneumonia.  Happy Saturday, right? Sigh. I have to be off of my mood stabilizer medications for the 5 days that I’m doing the Z-pac because there is such a high chance of an interaction, so that should be absolutely wonderful (note the sarcasm). I still have so much laundry left; I haven’t even began folding the 4 loads that I’ve already got done & strung out across the bed – I still have 1 in the washer, 1 in the dyer and 3 loads waiting. My neighbors have company, there is about 12 people in a 2 bedroom apartment and they’re being ridiculously loud, so I suppose I’ll be dealing with that since I don’t want to be overly rude just because I don’t feel good. Michael thinks I have the plague or something (and is avoiding me at all possible costs) he keeps telling me that if I would just “center my chi” I wouldn’t get sick as much because my mind convinces my body that I’m sick when I’m really not; I’m thinking I will sleep on the couch tonight. Lol. Wish me luck.

Opening up.

Opening up.

I wake up everyday and I just wanna be happy, but my brain does not cooperate; it’s honestly tragic. Living with depression aint what most people think, I try so motherfuckin hard but I’m still on the brink. Things could seem perfect but in my head but nothings workin, I think that I need a surgeon to cut me open, observe it; please tell me what is wrong with me, cuz I don’t understand, used to hide these problems behind drugs though now I’m a different one; stopped drinkin and droppin, diagnosin my problems. Now, I know the issue but no idea how to stop em’, it’s the craziest thing cuz I can see it when it happens but I can’t stop these feelings from rushin in and then crashin, I can feel the collision all the way down in my stomach – like I got punched in the gut and there aint no runnin from it; I could be up at the summit, then one thing happens – I plummet. They tell me take my meds and calm down but I don’t like feelin nothin. Now let me tell ya’ll folks somethin, I’ve been like this my whole life; I’ve been tryin to hide it and fight it but that shit aint go right – my methods of copin was just drinkin and smoking, anything I could take, I’d pop it in and keep goin. But that was just me not knowin that I was makin it worse, if I had stayed on that path, I’d probably be in a hearse cuz I was feelin so cursed, nothin ever went my way and nothin but negative thoughts was present in my brain. Layin down at night but no sleep comin my way, my brain wont shut the fuck up – it’s been doin this all day. Do you know what it’s like to fight with yourself? Tryin to seem happy without likin yourself? It all could be over just by blastin yourself; but I aint the one to give up in this fight, I need help. See, with this problem at hand, it’s hard to talk to your friends cuz you don’t want someone to judge you and look at you different; so I meet paper with pen, open up in these notes – it’s really all I can do to get these words out my throat. I aint lookin for someone to feel sorry for me, nah; I’m just tryin to explain all this pain I got inside. When all you thought is you aint good enough when you was growin up, it makes it hard to see you good enough when you grown up. Fake it til you make it, that’s what everybody says to do – so if the shoe fits, I might as well wear it too. See, I’m the funny guy, makin jokes and deflectin attention cuz I don’t want anybody noticin that my soul is missin, and if you feelin that I’m distant then you probably right; people ask what’s wrong, I say “nothin, I’ll be alright.” and I continue to fight, it’s an everyday struggle – like I’m at war with myself when my emotions start to bubble.

It’s dark.

It’s dark.

Today has been bad. So bad. Sometimes I think that I can fight through the darkness – but today, I am convinced that I’ll never climb out of this. But you know what? Maybe I just don’t want to be back into the light, maybe I want to live like this, maybe I want to keep pushing people away and stay isolated; maybe it’s easier this way, maybe I don’t want to change everything that I’ve always known. I know that I have so much to live for and that I should just “get over this and enjoy life” but it just seems like this is an easier way to live – alone. I just feel so useless anyways, that I kinda just feel like I might aswell not even make an effort to change, because this is how it’s always been. I just feel so miserable and I feel like I drag everyone else down with me – which isn’t fair. I don’t think that people deserve to be consumed into my darkness, which is why I try to stay away. I don’t know. My mind is racing, I can’t stop the thoughts, I just want it to all calm down… I want to be at peace again. WHY? Why is this so hard? Why do I live this way?

Today. Today was good.

Today. Today was good.

I had my 2nd Thanksgiving with my boyfriends family today and I felt so welcomed. I’ve always felt like they disapprove of me because of all my “shortcomings” or that they just dislike me period; but today, I felt like family. I felt the warmth and the love, I felt the caring and the memories, I felt like I belong with them forever.

After we left his family,  we went to mine. Even though I see them every single day, walking into their house brings me this overwhelming sense of comfort and protection; I know that I’m okay there. My parents made and amazing meal and we had a small get together with just the 5 of us…it was all I could have asked for and then some.❤️

After we made both stops; my next destination was to shop. I went with his brother-in-law and 3 of his sisters while he stayed home with our mini. I got all the things that I went after, which everyone underestimated me being able to do… his brother-in-law made sure that I got the exact cowboy boots that I wanted for Christmas but he let me take them home early, one of his sisters bought us towels, his other sister got a few things for Ry for Christmas & the other sister stood with me then held up her post to get one of the things that I was there for then helped me fight the crowd while I rushed around like a crazy person.

I had an amazing day today, although I am worn out at the end of it; it’s definitely one that I will remember. -DangerouslyDisturbed

I smiled today.

I smiled today.

Today was better; not as good as I want to be but not as bad as I have been.

I got up and went to the Veterans Day parade that my son was in and watched him all dressed up as a firefighter to represent his future career choice and thanking the veterans for serving and giving him the opportunity to be whoever he wants to be. After that, we had a family lunch at Chili’s which was actually really fun because we don’t normally do sit down restaurants (we are just used to the convenience of drive thru) and the highlight of our lazy day was an hour long pillow fight / wrestling match; seeing my son smile and laugh as hard as he did made me really step back and count my blessings.

Like I said, I’m not where I want to be; but days like today give me hope that I’ll be able to jump off my roller coaster. -DangerouslyDisturbed

 

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& another day..

& another day..

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I didn’t sleep last night, I haven’t eaten this morning; I’m still in pajamas and I skipped school.

I keep hoping for a better day but they all end up like this. I want a normal life so badly that I’m terrified I’ll never have one. I quit taking my meds when I had my breakdown because I thought that if they were working then it wouldn’t have happened, I’ve since realized that me being off of them isn’t going to help me pull out of this hole I’m so deep into; I took my first dose in 3 weeks, this morning. I wonder how long it will take to get back in my system? I wonder if I’ll be able to force myself to do my schoolwork that’s due or drag myself out of the door to go to school on Monday?  I wonder if they wont even be strong enough to tackle this…?

I haven’t slept in bed with my boyfriend in 3 days, I haven’t even really spoken to him or touched him at all. I feel awful that it’s getting taken out on him and that he doesn’t know anything that he can do to help me (despite how hard he tries), I wish that I could be who he deserves and he didn’t have to deal with me; but I’m so thankful that he does.

My son is home sick from school today and I feel awful that I really don’t have the energy to do anything at all and that it’s going to be pizza rolls and Netflix for him all day. He’s an amazing kid with a wonderful loving soul and I am SO terrified that I’m going to raise him and then he will have to recover from his childhood. I have seen so many people who talk about how depressed their mom was and how they can remember fending for themselves or how she would stay in bed for days and nothing would make her get up… I don’t want him to be that way. I’m so scared.

I guess I’m just thinking too much today, but all I can think is “What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?”

 

-DangerouslyDisturbed