I just want it to all be okay again..
My therapist has told me that I’m grieving. I’m grieving the loss of my old life, I’m grieving for the things that I can’t do anymore, I’m grieving for things that haven’t even happened yet. Sometimes, I go through so many different emotions in a day – I can’t keep everything straight and my mind gets all jumbled up, I sleep the days away or I get cranky and take out all of my fear on those closest to me; sometimes, it hits me way too hard. I need to learn how to cope, I have to learn how to deal – that’s just the way it has to be. I don’t know how long it’s going to take or how many times I will go through the grief cycle or learn coping skills before it all finally settles down and I can get back to a somewhat normal life, but it needs to happen soon, because I’m starting to lose everything that matters to me. I can’t fight this battle alone, so I need to learn how to not push everyone away; I need people in my corner.
On Wednesday, December 7th, I was diagnosed with Pseudotumor Cerebri (also known as Idiopathic Intracranial Pressure) which is caused by a build up of spinal fluid on the brain. It has been weighing heavy on my heart since I found out and I am absolutely terrified of what my future holds; multitude of doctors visits that will be 2+ hours away, who knows how many Lumbar Punctures to drain fluid, adjusting to all the meds that I will need to be on, all the lifestyle changes that are going to come with it because I need to start eating healthy and losing weight… I’m terrified that it’s going to affect me in my schooling, I’m scared that people are going to think I’m faking, I’m scared that I will be a burden to my family and friends when I have bad days, I’m terrified of becoming addicted to the pain meds, I’m just scared; and to be quite honest, scared doesn’t even begin to cover it. I know that it’s something I will have to learn to live with, but I just don’t think it has sunk in yet. I have been in the hospital for 7 days and 6 nights and to be totally real, I’m just numb..I don’t think it has REALLY hit me that this is something that is going to change my whole life, I don’t think it has hit me that I will have to deal with this until the day I die, I just don’t think I’ve hit that stage yet..